How To Attract Birds To Your Backyard

You're probably wondering why that silly pig still isn't posting even though now his fancy portrait is hanging over his fireplace. What's his flimsy excuse this time?

Look, I'm a busy pig these days. A pig of property with important affairs and a membership in the Sty Society.

You probably think owning a fancy pigpen is a breeze, right? Just kick back, turn on the DVD and catch an episode of Pig Tales. Have your well-dressed friends drop by for dry martinis on the deck. Right? But turns out it's not so easy.

For instance, take my backyard (please!). Currently, it's a vast expanse of unmown grass as far as the eye can see, with little buffalos grazing on it. If you look carefully you can see some just to the left of those little tiny Indian teepees.

Well, I like birds, and I wanted some to drop by once in a while. Have a chat. Find out what's happening down in Quetzalcoatl. So I figured I'd put up a bird feeder, right? That ought to bring the little buggers running.

But noooo! I've been reading a little book explaining how you do it. You have to think big! Prepare for the future! Plan and sketch! Get out and do! Big things! Busy busy busy!

First, say, you want to get some eagles coming by your yard. You have to get giant spruce trees and make little aeries up at the top so they'll feel safe and wanted. To do it, you've got to rent a cherry picker. Knock down your fence and build a road so the cherry picker can get in there. Pretty soon the eagles will be fighting for seats.

Then, say you want to attract vultures. Over in the back corner you need to plant a desert scene with saguaro cactuses and a dried up waterhole and an old prospector crawling across the barren waste looking for an angry fix. So the vultures will feel comfortable and have something to look at.

Then, of course, if you want to attract crows, you have to plant a big cornfield and furnish it with a talking scarecrow that says 'Hi Dorothy' when you walk by. And a big Dumbo on the telephone line.

By the way, have you even wondered if a talking scarecrow is still the same person after they change the straw in his head? Or would he start saying things like 'Shades of Bacchus! It's that little brat again!'

Now what about ducks? A regular swimming pool won't do at all, so you have to take it out. You need to dig a little lake. Don't even ask me about swans! If you want, you can grow some cattails and then put a plaster Elmer Fudd with a shotgun hiding behind them. The ducks don't mind a bit. In fact they laugh about it. Quaack! Quaack!

So you can see it's a lot of work, but it's well worth it. The birds are coming in like World War II bombers, darkening the skies. I'm afraid to go out, so maybe at last I'll get some pondering done around here!